Recovering A Sense Of Self-Worth

Over the past 20 years or so, my self esteem has taken a gradual nosedive. As I've gotten older, I have realized that I no longer look like I did when I was in my 20's or even 30's, for that matter. I'm a little broader around the midsection so much so that I closely resemble a pear with legs. My hairline has receded to the top of my neck. There are wrinkles around my eyes and my skin just seems to hang a little looser than it used to. I have bad teeth. My eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be. Let's not even talk about my hearing. In other words, I've aged, and at times, not very gracefully. I've made some bad choices in life and have hurt those who at one time were close to me. Career wise, I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But something has happened in my life recently that has started to change how I look at myself.

A little over a month ago, I met someone that I fell in love with. Sure, I've been in love before and was married for ten years. Somehow, though, this seems a little different. Because for the first time, I'm in a relationship where I'm being true, not only to the one I love, but to myself as well. I've kept the "true me" hidden from most of my friends, family, and associates and have only let a half dozen or so ever get to really know who I am. Most people agree that I am good at keeping secrets and that's because I have had quite a bit of practice. I don't run around blabbing my business or anyone else's to others. The time has come, though, for me to let the cat out of the bag.

I'm gay.

There I said it. And the man who I have fallen in love with accepts me, warts and all. He makes me feel special. He makes an overweight, middle aged man, with a  balding head, bad teeth, and poor eyesight, feel, well, sexy. He has helped me rediscover my self worth as a person. So often in society, we place value on people who are physically ideal. Look at today's celebrities and you will see that society celebrates youth and beauty. certain groups would say that I am flawed or even diseased. and some might say possessed, simply because I am attracted to a member of the same sex. I am who I am and have been who I am for 51 years. For 43 of those years, I've known I liked men. I just spent a great amount of time convincing others, and at times myself, that it wasn't so.

Hate me. Love me. Curse me. Walk beside me. I am the same person that I have always been. I have value and self worth as a person. And for the first time in my life, I will be true to myself and to those I call my friends. I will choose to love.

Connections With The Hereafter

An unopened bottle of Corona. A tin of Copenhagen. A dead squirrel. Various medals. Flowers. Cards. Letters. These are among some of the things that I have noticed people have left on the graves of their loved ones at Arlington National Cemetery. Most of the things left behind are left on the graves of the recently departed, mainly within the past ten years. The section that holds the heroes killed during the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars is probably the most heart wrenching. These were the sons, daughters, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers to those left behind who try and cope with their loss. So they visit the grave of their beloved and leave a memento, a treasure, a trinket, some object that helps to give closure to the living.While to most people, those objects might simply appear to be trash, to those who have left them behind it forms a connection with the one no longer among the living. It helps keep their memory and spirit alive.

As I've grown older, but not up, I've thought quite a bit about death. I agree it is a somewhat morbid topic to contemplate, but like it or not, every person alive today will have to deal with death at some point. The death rate among the living is 100%. Everybody dies. What is done with my body at death really doesn't concern me. At that point, things are a little bit out of my control. Bury me. Burn me. Throw me out to sea. I do not care what happens to my body when I die. I've got enough to worry about before I die without stressing over the things that happen afterwards. But one thing does give me a reason to stop and reflect. What will people leave at my grave when I"m gone?

There's quite a few things that I think could be left. Some of these, although not necessarily practical, could include a backpack, a pair of boots, some object pertaining to the US Air Force, a pulaski, a grip hoist, an unopened bottle of Pepsi Max, a chocolate bar or two, a winning lottery ticket (something I never saw in life and would find utterly useless in death, but whatever) a camera, or a map. Any of these items could be left but I doubt anyone will leave one of them. Still, I would like to know what others would remember me for. I hope that, after I die but before I pass into the Great Beyond, I'm allowed to listen to my eulogy. Just to be able to hear what people think. Not that any of them would be telling the truth, but just to hear what they say. I would also like to visit my grave after a couple of years just to see what people have left on my tombstone.

There's a really nice compass I've had my eye on for a couple of years......

Lessons From The Slow Lane

As I've aged, I have found less interest in going through life at a  fast pace. Whenever I am out for a hike, I find it much more enjoyable to do less miles and take more time soaking in the sights, sounds and smells of nature. I'm one of those people that everyone passes on the trail. Usually, I'm hunched over my hiking poles trying to catch my breath and cursing the person who just had to take this trail straight up the mountain without even a thought given to throwing in a switchback or two. Typically, as well, I wind up in close proximity to everyone has passed me during the day. It just took me a little longer to reach my destination.

My biggest accomplishment this week hasn't been surviving my first full week of work. The thing I am most proud of is that I haven't been run over by a BMW or a Nissan Xterra in the process of getting to and from work. Rush hour traffic is something I had expected. What I didn't expect is that the people who are passing me in the fast lane and those just simply going from one lane to the next and back in hopes of catching a break in the traffic. You see, I drive the same way I hike. Yes, I am becoming one of those people who just sort of meanders to and from work. I pick out my lane and stick to it, never changing lanes unless I just have to pass someone. I know which lane leads directly to work and which lane will carry me home in the evening. And despite the fact that others out there are passing me, we seem to arrive at the same place at the same time. I've seen people after leaving work that move across the lanes trying to find a faster one. They are usually not more than one or two car lengths away  from when I take my exit off of I-95 some 16 miles later.

So I will continue to take the slow lane. I'll leave plenty of space between me and the next guy in front of me so we don't crowd each other out. I'll stick to the speed limit, if possible, but you can usually find me along with everyone else, stuck in traffic. I'll enjoy my drive in the mornings and use the afternoon commute to wind down from work. And, if this week is any indicastion, I'll get there about the same time as everyone else.

Unless, of course, someone plows me over.

Back To Work

When I first started this blog, I had just recently become unemployed after being terminated from my position with the National Park Service. Although I am not pleased with how things came to an end, I can honestly say that I am not disappointed. Fifteen years of building trail tends to wear a body down rather quickly and it rapidly became evident last year that I was not as young as I once was. So trying to fin a new job and "selling myself" became my full time occupation. i submitted over 50 applications during that time and had a half dozen interviews. This week, I returned to full time employment. I had to move closer to Washington DC, but I can now say that I am working for Greenleaf Services. In particular, I will be part of a team that has responsibility for the grounds maintenance at Arlington National Cemetery. Yes, that one.

This will be the first time in a while that I have lived in a major metropolitan area, and also the first time in nearly twenty years that I haven't lived in close proximity to the mountains. As much as I will miss looking out my window at the Shenandoahs, I have other priorities in my life that must take precedent right now. One day I will return, but for now I will have to be satisfied driving an hour or so to get there.

The past three months have not been easy. Unemployment only provided me with $358.00 per week and child support took half. By the time rent and other bills were paid, there was not much money left over. Had I chosen not to look towards DC for a position, there is no doubt I would still be unemployed. Sometimes, in order to accomplish the things in our life that we need to, a drastic change is asked of us. It could be pursuing a career change, or it could be a change in location. Being unemployed is as difficult as becoming employed, but there are jobs out there. It took a concerted effort on my part, doing the things I knew I needed to do, and leaning on close friends for encouragement in order to find this position I now have. Hopefully, my body doesn't give out any time soon. I guess there is always MacDonald's!

Now, excuse me while I go lie down and recover from a hard day of work.

Back Home Again

Early this week, I had to make a trip back home to Sevierville, TN for a court appearance. Due to my being unemployed for the past several months, I had requested a reduction in child support. I used to love to travel long distances but it seems that lately, I dread every time I have to make a road trip of any length. In order to help reduce the stress that I was already under, as well as to avoid heavy truck traffic that seems to be the norm along I-81, I chose to travel US Route 11 for a majority of the trip. The backroads, although slower and thus more time consuming, always seem to be more scenic.

I left Sunday morning and drove 100 miles of the Blue Ridge Parkway from Waynesboro to Roanoke. The weather was fantastic and afforded the opportunity to take a few pictures from several of the overlooks. This was a stretch of the Parkway that I had not visited very often, and although less scenic than portions further south, it nonetheless provided for a pleasant drive. Once in Roanoke, I picked up Rt. 11 South and aside from a stop for fuel in Wytheville, drove straight through to Damascus. I had hoped to spend the night there, but there were no places available so after visiting with a couple of friends, I drove to Kincora Hostel near Hampton, TN where I spent the night.

The following day I drove to Sevierville and rented a hotel room for the evening. That evening,I had dinner with my Dad, whom I hadn't seen in about 18 months. Following my court appearance on Tuesday, I spent some time driving around different parts of the Smokies including the Greenbriar area. That night, I stayed with a friend near Hartford, TN and drove back home on Wednesday. It was a relief to be done with the driving, but overall I had a good time.

Success Is Never Final

As I was surfing the web this evening, I came across a story about Kathleen Vermillion and her work in Las Vegas among homeless youth. She too had dealt in the past with homelessness, depression, and substance abuse. Three years ago, as she pursued political office, she described her life as a "rags to riches" story. However, in recent weeks, things began to unravel and she found herself face to face with issues, I' sure she felt were in her past. I've posted the link below so I won't go into detail with her story but simply use it as a launching pad for commenting on my own experience.

I've mentioned before that in 2008 I was diagnosed with depression. In a brief moment in time, my emotions crashed around  me, leaving me unable to sort through various personal issues I had been dealing with for several years. Through therapy, I found out that a major part of my depression was situational. Being unemployed and unable to meet my basic financial needs was the major trigger; so long as I was working things were fine. But when the economy tanked and I found myself without a job or a place to call home, the downward  spiral began. I have struggled with recurring depression over the past several weeks as the prospects of finding work dimmed and my remaining finances dwindled. It can be difficult to reach out for help because it involves an uncomfortable level of vulnerability. Many times I've thought that I had my personal demons under control only to find out that they were just waiting in the shadows for an opportunity.

Since I've started this blog, circumstances have changed. Last week, I was offered a position with a firm that does the lawn maintenance at Arlington National Cemetery. I am scheduled to start work in mid-March, and while that would be a very good  thing, I can't count on any position until I actually start work. Circumstances change and anything could happen. I hope for the best but am prepared for disappointment. I've began the process of seeing a counselor once again, something that I haven't done since I was in the VA hospital in Johnson City over a year ago. Things aren't as bad as they were four years ago, and just simply having a job offer has made a difference. I want to keep moving forward and not fall back into old thought patterns and  destructive habits. Success in life is never final; it is something that I must continually reach for.

For more on Kathleen Vermillion, click here.

Homelessness and Poverty in America

Homelessness and poverty are issues that are faced by millions of Americans on a daily basis. It affects people of all ages, backgrounds, race, creed, and color. Having been homeless before, I know first hand what people have to do to survive. Shelters are full and the government wants to cut funding to social services while providing tax breaks for the richest Americans. The Department of Veteran Affairs has set a goal to end homelessness among veterans within five years, but they seem unable to meet the demand as more veterans return home with no job, and no place to turn. I have been told that there is at least a two week waiting period for a homeless veteran to get into one of the VA's homeless programs. Good, but not good enough.

Since losing my job with the Park Service this past December, this is something that I must deal with every day. I only see $720.00 per month from unemployment benefits. Those benefits could very likely expire next month, leaving me without any income to pay for even the basic needs of life. Congress is debating cutting social services so desperately needed by the poor, while pursuing tax cuts for the rich. My landlord is a fantastic person who understands my dilemma and has been working with me. But in spite of everything, the truth of the matter is without a job, I too will soon be homeless and will have to make some important decisions.

I have included the video below as part of this post. It is a special produce by the BBC entitled "Poor America". It shows in stark terms, the things people do just to survive. I honestly believe every person should watch this, and that is not something I say very often. Homeless people won't just go away. Our government is turning it's back on the people who need help the most. Mitt Romney's assertion that the poorest among us have a safety net, may be true in theory, but in every day reality, people are slipping through the net every day.