Recovering A Sense Of Self-Worth

Over the past 20 years or so, my self esteem has taken a gradual nosedive. As I've gotten older, I have realized that I no longer look like I did when I was in my 20's or even 30's, for that matter. I'm a little broader around the midsection so much so that I closely resemble a pear with legs. My hairline has receded to the top of my neck. There are wrinkles around my eyes and my skin just seems to hang a little looser than it used to. I have bad teeth. My eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be. Let's not even talk about my hearing. In other words, I've aged, and at times, not very gracefully. I've made some bad choices in life and have hurt those who at one time were close to me. Career wise, I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But something has happened in my life recently that has started to change how I look at myself.

A little over a month ago, I met someone that I fell in love with. Sure, I've been in love before and was married for ten years. Somehow, though, this seems a little different. Because for the first time, I'm in a relationship where I'm being true, not only to the one I love, but to myself as well. I've kept the "true me" hidden from most of my friends, family, and associates and have only let a half dozen or so ever get to really know who I am. Most people agree that I am good at keeping secrets and that's because I have had quite a bit of practice. I don't run around blabbing my business or anyone else's to others. The time has come, though, for me to let the cat out of the bag.

I'm gay.

There I said it. And the man who I have fallen in love with accepts me, warts and all. He makes me feel special. He makes an overweight, middle aged man, with a  balding head, bad teeth, and poor eyesight, feel, well, sexy. He has helped me rediscover my self worth as a person. So often in society, we place value on people who are physically ideal. Look at today's celebrities and you will see that society celebrates youth and beauty. certain groups would say that I am flawed or even diseased. and some might say possessed, simply because I am attracted to a member of the same sex. I am who I am and have been who I am for 51 years. For 43 of those years, I've known I liked men. I just spent a great amount of time convincing others, and at times myself, that it wasn't so.

Hate me. Love me. Curse me. Walk beside me. I am the same person that I have always been. I have value and self worth as a person. And for the first time in my life, I will be true to myself and to those I call my friends. I will choose to love.