I've known I was gay since I was 8 years of age. As a child, it was more a matter of self-exploration, but as I entered my teens years, things became a little muddled. I tried dating a couple of girls, although none ever got further than one or two dates. My first crush was a friend of mine; I had worked for his mother at my first job. He wasn't gay but was willing to play along. We were great friends, but because of the difference in our sexual orientations, I knew nothing serious could happen. Still, I knew I was attracted to guys more so than women.
Then in my early 20's and continuing to my mid 30's, a strange time in my life occurred. I became heavily involved in a pentecostal church and was convinced that homosexuality was a sin, and that I had to bring that part of my life into submission. I played the good church boy role as much as possible, although I still found my heart and eyes drawn to members of the same sex. I don't recall if I ever acted out on any of those desires, but they were very present still in my life despite all the promises of God's deliverance. Then in 1987, something happened that I thought would change everything. I married. Yes, a woman.
Still the marriage did nothing to abate the desires I felt inside. It was as if I was torn in two, between being who people expected me to be, and being true to who I knew I really was. I did have several one night stands, cheating on my wife with other men, during the ten years I was married. The only thing that changed that was the birth of our daughter. I felt a tremendous responsibility was placed on me, but even that could not undo the damage done by years of mistrust and anger during our ten years of marriage. Even though the divorce was not finalized for another ten years, our marriage effectively ended in 1997.
With my marriage over and no longer tied to a church, I decided to try to figure out who I really was for the first time on my life. I took on a new career in the outdoor industry as a trail builder, and would work out my personal life internally. During that time, I have only let a few close friends in on the secret I had harbored, but to most, the question of my sexual orientation went without discussion. My private life became off limits. The reason for this was two fold. First, I did not want to be judged as a person based on one facet of my life. I've never been a flamer and most people assume I am straight as a nail. Second,and probably more important to me, was the need for friendship and the fear of rejection. I was afraid that if I opened up too much to others, I would be rejected as a person and possibly lose a friendship. So I became one person to most of my friends and another person, the REAL me, to that close circle of friends. And that lasted for nearly 15 years until last week when I made the decision to come clean to everyone.
The response I have received has been one of support and for that I thank you. For the first time, I feel happy as a person with nothing to hide. My friends list on Facebook does not seem to have diminished any, but it no longer matters. I have found love. I have found acceptance. I am still the same Jim Davis that many of you know. It's just that now you know....
...the rest of the story.
